Parenthood is a Gift
I once heard a prominent psychologist make a joke that people think marriage teaches people about love, companionship, and conflict, but in reality, the most essential thing marriage teaches us is how selfish we are. 😳
He had a point. When invested in and healthy, marriage helps us grow emotionally, socially, and spiritually, helping us to become less selfish and more loving in the process.
In that moment, I remember thinking… no, he’s wrong – marriage is just the minor league – parenting is the real teacher of selfish you really are!
If marriage is a graduate education in personal growth, parenting is a post-graduate degree. 🎓
Today, I’d like to talk about why I think we choose hard things in life, and some of what I’ve learned from being able to make the choice to be a parent.
However, before we continue, I want to acknowledge that this is a sensitive topic for some. Not everyone gets to choose parenthood, let alone marriage. I have dear friends who, for various reasons, do not have children. My intention today is to share some lessons I believe we can learn from as we lead ourselves and our organizations. I hope you read today’s Wave Report in the spirit in which it was written.
Choosing Parenthood
When my wife Heather and I were pregnant with our first child, I had two fears as a new dad.
My first fear was that I would not wake up in the middle of the night when the kids or Heather needed me.
I’m a heavy sleeper, and while I had the best of intentions to be helpful as a new dad, I feared I wouldn’t be. I imagined our baby needing me, and not being there for her or for Heather. 😴
My second fear was even bigger. I was worried that as they grew, my kids would want to eat food off my plate.
As the fourth of five kids, I have siblings who are as much as 10 years older than I am. I always felt like I had to defend my plate from invasion by older sisters. For young David’s plate growing up, no French fry was safe! 🍽️
As silly as those two fears might seem, they were very real for me as I anticipated becoming a father.
I think they came from a deeper place. Would I be a good dad? What did it mean to be a good father?
Today, we are parents to two beautiful girls, ages 12 and soon-to-be 15. And as of this week, I’m officially the parent of a high schooler. 😳
Above: Celebrating this week – the end of school, and the beginning of a new stage in our journey… high school!
I’m so glad I chose to do the hard thing.
I’m so glad I chose parenthood.
Parenting is not easy.
Relationships are not easy.
And yet, we still choose them.
Why We Choose Hard Things
Doing something new is hard.
Learning a new skill is hard.
Working with colleagues is hard.
Running a marathon is hard.
Parenting is hard.
Love is hard.
This week, I heard a quote from the author C.S. Lewis that struck me:
“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal.
Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.
But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.
To love is to be vulnerable.”
— C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves
I don’t want my heart to be unbreakable.
I want to be vulnerable.
I want to love.
So why do we do hard things?
To be honest, I’m not sure.
One thing I do know is that we thrive when we are being challenged to “play up” to a new level. I’ve written about the concept of “eustress,” a well-documented phenomenon in gaming and sports:
[Eustress] is a Goldilocks zone where players experience just enough stress, but not too much, to enter a state called 'flow.' Players need to be in a state of eustress to attain flow. Too little stress and they are bored and underperform. Too much stress and they feel overwhelmed and ‘choke.’ (Nuffield Health)
Excerpt from On the Super Bowl and Playing Up
Part of it, I think, is that we are wired for growth.
But I have to believe it goes much deeper than that. Why else would we choose to do hard things?
While we are still on the journey of learning what it means to be good parents, to close, I thought I would share a few lessons we’ve learned so far from choosing parenthood.
(I would also add that parenting is an excellent source of lessons for working with colleagues and co-workers. So even if you aren’t a parent, I expect you’ll find relevance in these lessons.)
1. Life is 10% What Happens to You, and 90% How You React to It.
I still remember hearing this Charles Swindoll quote from my varsity basketball coach in high school (shoutout, Coach Curci), and it’s always stuck with me. It’s absolutely true in parenting.
Our reactions shape our outcomes. How do we react when bad things happen to us? How do we react when good things happen?
If you’ve parented a teenager, you know reactions can get quite big. Hormones are a thing, and some moments can feel overwhelming, especially for a young person. How we react as parents can either feed a downward spiral or help them pull out of the nosedive.
Likewise, when good things happen, how do we react? Do we exhibit gratitude? Do we call it out? Do we lean into it? We celebrated my youngest’s 12th birthday this weekend, and when we were driving together at the end of the day, I said, “This was such a special day, wasn’t it?” We were tired from a long day of fun, but just calling out how special the day was helped to heighten the feeling of gratitude for both of us.
💡 Takeaway: Our reactions shape our outcomes. We can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we respond to it. Our reactions shape the dynamics of our relationships and can contribute to connectedness and belonging, or push us apart.
2. Learn H.A.L.T.
We learned this one when one of our kids was younger; she had a hard time coming down from big emotions. We saw a counselor, and he gave us a tool that has become a tool we’ve used for more than a decade now.
The tool is an acronym called H.A.L.T., which represents four states that negatively impact our mood, decision-making, and overall well-being: Hungry, Angry, Lonely, and Tired.
The counselor explained that when one or more of these conditions are present, they make it extremely difficult to regulate emotions and can lead to outbursts, tantrums, bad behavior, and so on.
It turns out that H.A.L.T. applies to adults, too. 😉
When emotions are running high, ask yourself – is someone here hungry, angry, lonely, or tired? Am I hungry, angry, lonely, or tired?
If so, it’s beneficial to pause and address these issues to ensure everyone can contribute effectively and comfortably. Even just giving someone space can diffuse a situation.
For example, by the end of this past weekend, I realized I was tired. As wonderful as everything was going on, I was exhausted, and it was starting to make me irritable. Aware of this, I know that one thing that tends to happen when I’m in H.A.L.T. is that my typical good-natured joking can get a sarcastic edge to it. So when I know I’m in H.A.L.T., I’m careful not to crack jokes that I might otherwise make, and I’m careful to watch my reactions. I’ll bite my tongue in situations like this, rather than react.
💡 Takeaway: We’re all susceptible to poorly responding in situations when we’re hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. The next time you recognize that you or someone you're with is experiencing H.A.L.T., consider what you can do to address those issues so everyone can be as effective as possible.
3. Two Words – New Normal.
When we were expecting our first child, my friend and colleague, Rory Starks, and I met one day. I’ve learned a lot about business from Rory, and when talking about being expecting parents, Rory said to me, “Dave, I’ve got two words for you – new normal.”
“New normal.”
I assume I understood what that meant – life would not be the same as it was before.
But what I didn’t realize until I had kids was that “new normal” didn’t just mean a one-time change. Every week, and sometimes even every day with young kids felt like a new normal.
Every season meant a new normal. Change is the new constant.
💡 Takeaway: Change is constant. People change. Circumstances shift, and parenting is an excellent reminder that what worked well in the last season may need to change in the next. As our girls have matured, our relationships with each other and with them have also had to adapt.
4. I’m Not Responsible for My Children.
I still remember hearing this from the teacher and author Josh McDowell. It was at least five years before we had kids, and it struck me so strongly that I never forgot it. Speaking to a group about parenting, he said, “I’m not responsible for my children.”
I remember thinking, “Uh, isn’t the point of parenting to be responsible for my kids?” What kind of parenting advice was this?
Josh continued. “I’m not responsible for my children. I’m responsible to my children. I’m responsible to train them up in the way they should go.” He continued to elaborate, talking about he and his wife’s responsibility to their children. To provide a loving household, to teach them, to model good behavior, to talk about important topics.
But at the end of the day, children are human beings, and they will ultimately make their own choices.
💡 Takeaway: We’re not responsible for others, but we can be responsible to them – to share with them what we know. To invest in those relationships. But they will make their own decisions.
Parenthood is a Gift
Whenever I hear a friend or a colleague is expecting a child, I always say something to the effect of “parenthood is a gift.”
I mean this in a much deeper way than “parenthood is easy.” We know parenthood is not easy. But it is a gift. To the parent, to the child, and hopefully to the future for this child.
If you are a parent, I hope this Wave Report is of some encouragement to you.
If you are not a parent and you have a chance to become one, I want you to know that it’s a precious gift, and something I wouldn’t trade for the world. I highly recommend it! 😁
This month has been full of graduations and transitions in our lives. Two of my nieces are graduating from high school, and we recently celebrated our eldest daughter’s 8th-grade promotion.
And fittingly, this Sunday is Father’s Day.
Parenthood is indeed a gift. 😊
Have a wonderful weekend, and until next week… Surf’s Up! 🌊
- Dave
About the Author | Dave Raley
Consultant, speaker, and author Dave Raley is the founder of Imago Consulting, a firm that helps nonprofits and businesses who serve nonprofits create profitable growth through sustainable innovation. He’s the author of the book The Rise of Sustainable Giving: How the Subscription Economy is Transforming Recurring Giving, and What Nonprofits Can Do to Benefit. Dave also writes a weekly innovation and leadership column called The Wave Report, and the co-founder of the Purpose & Profit Podcast — a show about the ideas at the intersection of nonprofit causes and for-profit brands. Connect with Dave on LinkedIn.
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